It has been said that suffering is having what you do not want (singleness), and wanting what you do not have (a husband)

Longing for what you do not have is a universal condition. It is not limited to singles. It is true that the longing for a husband can be satisfied on your wedding day, but that longing is soon replaced by desires and expectations about the marriage relationship that may not be satisfied in a thousand lifetimes. If you are presently discontent as a single woman, you can count on being dissatisfied as a married woman in the future.

If you are discontent as a single woman, you will be dissatisfied as a married woman.
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The mystery of contentment often seems to escape the understanding of the single woman. She assumes that her circumstances justify her condition and give her permission to remain dissatisfied with her life assignment. Not having learned how to lay down the terrible burden of always wanting life to be on her terms, she continues to struggle with the torture of her desires. The restlessness caused by her desire for what she does not have makes waiting seem an impossible task. In fact, to the discontented woman, the word wait probably compares to a cuss word in her mind. A Lady in Waiting finds her capacity to wait for God’s best to be rooted in contentment.

A Lady in Waiting finds her capacity to wait for God’s best to be rooted in contentment.
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If you would like more information on this topic you can read a free preview of my new book The New Lady in Waiting here: Free Preview or get it here Buy The New Lady in Waiting.

Have a question or comment? Let me know on Twitter or Facebook.

How does physical intimacy ruin a good relationship?

When I first became a Christian, and had newly left behind a sex-saturated dating mentality, I started dating this wonderful Christian guy. His commitment to moral purity touched my heart profoundly. After dating for a year, this young man’s moral purity was challenged by a young woman—me!

I had assumed the inevitability of moving toward the sexual brink, especially since we were talking about a future life together. I only understood a dating world where sexual sin was actually one of the requirements. When this godly young man broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. After recovering from the shock, the Lord very kindly brought to my mind a night when this young man and I went too far. We went to the No Zone for a moment—but the moment ended our relationship!

Spiritual passion makes it difficult to see that God also set physical limits to protect you...
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Hebrews 13:4 (NIV) very clearly says that “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” God judges the sin of immorality. It feels awful to be separated from your Lord by the guilt of sin.

Actions speak louder than words, and this is especially true regarding premarital sex.

It is difficult to share Christ with one who knows your reputation. Your actions can also cause weaker brothers and sisters to stumble. One night of passion can totally destroy a reputation you have built over a lifetime.

It is difficult to share Christ with one who knows your reputation.
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The spiritual side of sex is often overlooked. Even many Christians are not aware of the profoundly spiritual nature of their sex lives. A person will feel acute spiritual pain and separation from God when engaging in sex outside of marriage, but may not even realize how spiritually beneficial and unifying sex is within marriage.

God does not intend to deny you pleasure. He protects you so you might enjoy physical health, emotional stability, relational intimacy, and spiritual blessings. If you marry, He wants you to grow more in love with your husband with each passing year. He wants you to live in complete trust of one another and spend a lifetime in love instead of the consequences of a fleeting night of uncontrolled lust.

If you would like more information on this topic you can read a free preview of my new book The New Lady in Waiting here: Free Preview or get it here Buy The New Lady in Waiting.

Have a question or comment? Let me know on Twitter or Facebook.

Think of it this way.

Mr. Right comes over one day and begins to speak of his devotion to you. He says what you have been waiting to hear: “I love you. I give you my heart completely. For 364 days of every year, I will devote myself to you and you only.” But then he adds, “However, one day each year I want to date others and see what I have missed. Don’t worry; you can have all the rest. Will you marry me?”

What would your response be? Would you want this kind of devotion? Would it be selfish of you to deny him his heart just one day a year to give to others? No! Absolutely not. You would want his total love and devotion.

You would want his heart all 365 days a year.
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Similarly, giving Christ your heart means you are not free to give it away to other things or people that come into your life (in idolatry). You can’t give a part to relationships that delight you in this world and still seek God with a whole heart.

You cannot keep part of your heart for something that may seem better if it comes along. Devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ is giving everything or nothing at all. Your devotion to Christ must be a serious commitment to His Lordship.

You can’t give part of your heart to this world & still seek God with a whole heart.
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Christ loves you and is completely committed to you. Wholeheartedly devote yourself to loving and enjoying Him in return, 365 days a year.

If you would like more information on this topic you can read a free preview of my new book The New Lady in Waiting here: Free Preview or get it here Buy The New Lady in Waiting.

Have a question or comment? Let me know on Twitter or Facebook.

Why do women tend to “go after the guys”?

“Insecurity among women is epidemic, but it is not incurable. Don’t expect it to go away quietly, however. We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us,” says Beth Moore, and I agree.

The father of lies (see John 8:44) screams lies at our hearts daily. We can only scream back if our hearts are wallpapered with the truth (see John 8:32). We, as well as our girls, need to learn how to scream at the liar! It may seem a contradiction of a Lady in Waiting to be screaming, but there are times when we need to.

Truth #1— Do Not Label Yourself Negatively

Self-condemnation leaves no room for loving others.
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If you’re hard on yourself, you’re hard on others.

…Love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39).

Truth #2—Behave Assertively, With God-Confidence

God-confidence is the opposite of arrogance and pride.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love
and of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV).

Truth #3—When You Fail, Confess and Refuse to Condemn Yourself

If you fail, it only means you still have a pulse.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins…(1 John 1:9 NIV).

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1 NIV).

Truth #4—Do Not Compare Yourself with Others

Comparisons are demoralizing.

You are unique, one of a kind; therefore you are incomparable.

…When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise (2 Corinthians 10:12 NIV).

Truth #5—Concentrate on God’s Grace

A definition of grace: for one to bow down in order to benefit another/others greatly.

Grace is strength allotted to me to behave myself.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1 NIV).

Truth #6—Associate with Positive People

As we associate, we become.

Your closest friend is a mirror of the future you!
He who walks with the wise grows wise… (Proverbs 13:20 NIV).

Truth #7—Learn How to Rejoice in All Things

The key facet of emotional health is the ability to be thankful and grateful.
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Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV).

Truth #8—Have Realistic Expectations of Yourself and Others

Remember, on your best day…you are still “but dust” (see Ps. 103:13-14).

The source of so much grief: unrealistic expectations (see Ps. 39:7).

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment… (Romans 12:3 NIV).

Truth #9—Growth and Change Are a Process and Are Never Instantaneous

God is the Agent of Change (see John 17:17).

The start is the promise of the finish (see Phil. 1:6; 1 Thess. 5:24).
In God’s corrections, He never stops believing in us!

For whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights (Proverbs 3:12).

Truth #10—Do What Is Right and Pleasing to Jesus

Pleasing Jesus is not the same as pleasing people (see Matt. 6:1).

How do you discern the difference between people pleasing and “Papa pleasing?” (See Hebrews 4:12-13.)

If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10 NIV).

Truth #11—Be Positive

Consider fasting from critical remarks.

See how long you can go without saying something negative.

Pray for a mouth filter:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things (Philippians 4:8 NIV).

Turn to your heavenly Father now. Pour out to Him your heart’s longing to be loved. See His arms open wide and His empty lap ready to embrace and hold you near. He considers you dear. He longs to give you satisfying love. Perhaps He does desire to give you a man to love also.

But the man you marry cannot meet your need for security. Only God’s love brings security.
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If you would like more information on this topic you can read a free preview of my new book The New Lady in Waiting here: Free Preview or get it here Buy The New Lady in Waiting.

Have a question or comment? Let me know on Twitter or Facebook.

Last week, I gave you an introduction on Running to the Wrong Cave, if you missed it you can check it out here: Stop Running to the Wrong Cave – Part 1. This week we are looking at the first of what I call the Three D’s.

The First D: The State of Distress

The English dictionary defines distress as “a feeling of great pain, anxiety, or sorrow. Acute physical or mental suffering. Affliction. Trouble.” However, many Bible commentators agree that the Hebrew term used in 1 Samuel 22 carries an even more acute sense of dire straits, particularly as a result of poverty. This sense of distress would have wide-ranging effects, such as the selling of family members into slavery, the taking of goods and property, and in some extreme cases the taking of a life.

The narrative describes the first portion of David’s renegade horde as those who were in distress. Author Cliff Graham describes them as

“disgruntled outcasts, emerging from an era in Hebrew history where the worship of Yahweh was almost non-existent.”

Graham gives us a bit of insight about why these men might have been expe- riencing extreme distress. They might have been disgruntled warriors who sensed something in David that they respected, believed in, and wanted to follow.

Perhaps they were disgruntled at the fact that the state of their nation was in doubt and God didn’t seem to be with them. The mili- tary was likely in some sort of disarray as David, one of the most popular commanders ever, had left under a dark cloud.

Saul and David

Many of these men saw Saul as a coward; he had hidden from Goliath. The Spirit of the Lord had left Saul. He possessed no anointing from God, and he wasn’t able to lead them bravely in his flesh. Saul’s confidence and passion were gone, and his only weapons were fear and intimidation. If a man was disloyal to Saul, he faced certain death. This madman had tried to kill his most trusted bodyguard, David, at least three times; he even tried to take out his own loyal son, Jonathan, once. He certainly wouldn’t hesitate to skewer someone else.

Saul was most certainly a demon-possessed coward—a spiritually depraved man. This depraved state made him someone to be feared and fled from. Of course this situation was distressing to these men.

I’m sure many warriors in Saul’s kingdom wanted to follow a passionate leader and a giant killer—not someone who had skulked away from a giant. David had shown passion and fearlessness and possessed a magnetism that was otherworldly.

Saul was no real leader at all, but David was. Without a doubt, David was God’s man in their eyes.

But now he was gone, and he had left under a cloud of suspicion. Panic, anxiety, and the effects of distress set in for some of these warriors as they realized that there was no leader for them to follow. And the one they would follow had either been chased out of town or had fled—they didn’t know for sure.

Just as I experienced in my time of distress, the sweating and nausea would come in waves during the daytime, and their minds would be hounded by visions of impending death at night. This meant little or no sleep.

They needed a leader to show them the way out of this anguish. Their panic assaulted them in their minds so vividly that their bodies felt as if it were real. They needed a real leader, and the man for the job was David. But he had escaped and was now in hiding.

The answer? These men decided to escape and hide with him. He would know how to lead them.

Reed, Sarah, and the Wrong Cave

Reed was a good man. He’d been faithful to his wife, Sarah, and was a committed father to his three sons.

Reed had worked quietly at the same job for twenty-five years, but his company was going bankrupt. He was in jeopardy of losing his retire- ment and everything he’d worked for. He was also becoming distant and short-tempered with Sarah and the boys. During this time, Sarah called me and said,

“Pastor Jeff, Reed is drawing away from me and I feel as if I am losing him. He won’t talk to me. He won’t open up anymore and he’s distant. I even think that there might be someone else.”

When I asked why she thought Reed was interested in another woman, she said that she’d caught him on the computer on a social networking site. He was reading a personal message he’d received from a former girlfriend. The letter was about a project taking place to benefit their old high school, sponsored by alumni who used to be student council members with Reed. The woman said because they had been student council members together, she thought he might want to get involved in the project. The words that alarmed Sarah were: “It could be like old times.”

Whether or not Reed was really thinking of cheating on Sarah, I’m glad she caught him. At the very least, Reed was contemplating going to the wrong cave.

What’s the wrong cave?

The wrong cave is a place where we try to escape everything that is actually happening in our lives.

We just hide. In the wrong cave, there’s no focus on being with God and getting the hole inside us filled by Him. In the wrong cave, we just try to hide and we attempt to fill the hole with something or someone else other than God.

When David escaped to the cave, he wanted to get out of Saul’s target range and hear from his close and personal God about what he should do. However, Reed was contemplating helping his old girl- friend, and he had even responded back to her a couple of times to inquire in more detail about the project. Reed was running to the wrong cave because he was hiding something questionable. This kind of hiding has nothing to do with God. Wrong cave. Wrong motive.

In fact, Reed later admitted to me that when he did interact with this old girlfriend, he felt a slight sense of excitement whenever he clicked the send button on the computer screen. They’d had a great relationship in high school, and by the look of her picture on her profile, she’d aged quite well.

He also felt strangely excited that Sarah didn’t know what he was doing. For that matter, he technically wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was all innocent and platonic, he thought. But Reed was at least approaching the entrance of the wrong cave. He was thinking about hiding in the wrong cave of an old relationship that made him feel young again. But any cave that would lead to spending time alone with a woman other than his wife was definitely the wrong cave.

As Reed and I talked about this situation, I learned that he was distressed about his job being terminated. He also hadn’t been feeling very fulfilled in his life lately. He was feeling old, worn out, and not passionate about much in his life. While he might not have used this language, he had a hole inside of him that he was trying to fill with another person and a fantasy of what once was. The old flame contacting him was an invitation, he thought, to feel some passion again and be pursued.

This cave seemed to offer the allure of the old feelings of youth, and it was a welcome distraction from the reality of what seemed like a dull and monotonous life. However, in reality, this cave offered to Reed the potential of an emotional affair and possibly a full-blown adulterous rendezvous. I thank God that Reed got caught heading toward the wrong cave.

A Bright Future

I’m happy to report that Reed and Sarah had a deep talk, shed a few tears together, and their hearts began to be pointed back toward each other.

Instead of running to the wrong cave, Reed stepped into his masculine roles. In Role 1, he went to God alone, asking for help and affirmation that he could only get from His Creator. He allowed God to fill the hole inside. He then stepped into Role 2 as he exercised his masculine presence and took the website off of his computer and took measures to make sure that it would not happen in his home again. He then stepped into Role 3 and entered into community with his wife by being transparent and vulnerable. He also got recommitted to a group of guys who met weekly for CaveTime, telling them of his temptation toward the other cave, asking them to help him stay away from ever going there again.

These men would be a wall for him, and he would once again be a wall for Sarah and his sons.

Are you running to the wrong cave? Have you ever escaped and tried to hide in the wrong cave? I have. In fact, it was the one that landed me in the ER and the ensuing Holy War that I had imagined at the closing table.

For me, the wrong cave was performance. I was addicted to performing and being competitive in most of the areas of my life, and eventually I lost control. I competed for God’s love and acceptance by doing as many religious things as I could—and doing them well, I might add. I was intent on having the most obedient children (and I am sad to say, my motivation was because their behavior was a reflection on whether I was a good parent or not).

Performance

It was all about me. I was also intent on having a great marriage, and if my wife Lori would just fit in and do what a good pastor’s wife was supposed to, people would think well of me—I mean us. Performance, yet again.

Who knows why I ended up this way! But it was all about me, including me heading to the wrong cave. I performed to feel significant and to fill the hole inside with deeds and accomplishments that pointed to me. I was Super Jeff. Well, Super Jeff was in an ER and needed some counseling. But there God was, whispering to me. In my distress, God was calling me to the cave.

When a man wants to know God—and I really did—God won’t let him go on forever in the wrong way, ending up in the wrong cave. Through the darkness and pain, God will draw us to the cave, so that we might hide together with Him.

And yes, assaults will come again and we’ll make mistakes. We will temporarily take other paths again. But once the temporarily misguided man glances back toward the grace-worn path to the cave, even hinting that he wants to come home, God is there.

God reads much into the pained and longing-for-grace-again glances of men. These are glances that motivate Him, faster than the speed of sound, to bum-rush and bowl us over like a grace-filled tsunami—one that’s like Tigger pouncing on Pooh. Like a faithful canine waiting at the front window for his long-gone master to return—kissing him, pouncing on him, and dancing a dance of hope and joy. That giant- killing dance that fills the hole of distress with the hope-giving life of God within a man.

Next week, we’ll look at the Second D: The State of Debt

In the meantime if you need help because you feel you are running to the wrong cave, reach out to me at www.Cavetime.org

EDITOR’S NOTE: Want to learn more about the Three D’s? You can start reading Jeff Voth’s book Cavetime for FREE right here: Cavetime Free Preview or you can pre-order the new book title at:  Amazon • Barnes and Noble • Books-A-Million • ChristianBook.com and other fine bookstores!

“It is fun to be in the same decade with you.” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt to Winston Churchill

They had just spent three weeks together at the White House, in strategic war planning and personal friendship building. Upon his return to England, Churchill found the note that Roosevelt had wired ahead. Two men, leaders of nations, allied together against the Axis powers – they were commanders in chief, in the midst of warfare, who also found delight in a deep friendship.

My Beautiful Friend

When I read this note penned by FDR, I couldn’t help but reflect upon the last three decades of my life, the highlight being the pleasure of partnering with one beautiful woman. Together, we have walked through history, aware of the evil axis of this age, the plotting of the “god of this world”, expressed through evil nations but also in the daily, domestic life of married couples and families.

Since the garden, God has sought to express a prophetic witness on the earth of bridal, covenant love. Humankind has been vested with authority and stewardship to represent God’s kingdom on planet Earth. The greatest strength in a Christian marriage is when husbands and wives wear their robes as kings and priests. Attacks come unannounced, devised to catch us, unprepared. Every married couple since the garden has experienced this onslaught.

The Fun of Relationship

I like the fact that the President used the word “fun.” Deep friendship, joy in the journey, fighting side by side – a comrade in arms is my spouse to me. This creates a perimeter of protection around our relationship. Every marriage that is fighting for excellence needs to find the mirth in the midst of madness—the kindness to combat the cruelty of the war that’s raging.

They stood in front of war maps; they played card games. They solemnly reviewed the casualties of the war at sea, Germany holding dominion over the shipping lanes; they enjoyed good food and conversations. They battled with Congress over appropriation measures; Churchill found time for his daily afternoon nap (a man after my own heart).

There will be times in your marriage to tighten up; there will be times to lighten up. Find the fight and you’ll find the fun.

How About You?

What ways have you and your spouse found to “lighten up” your marriage and have fun together? Let me know in the comments below.