It has been said that suffering is having what you do not want (singleness), and wanting what you do not have (a husband)

Longing for what you do not have is a universal condition. It is not limited to singles. It is true that the longing for a husband can be satisfied on your wedding day, but that longing is soon replaced by desires and expectations about the marriage relationship that may not be satisfied in a thousand lifetimes. If you are presently discontent as a single woman, you can count on being dissatisfied as a married woman in the future.

If you are discontent as a single woman, you will be dissatisfied as a married woman.
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The mystery of contentment often seems to escape the understanding of the single woman. She assumes that her circumstances justify her condition and give her permission to remain dissatisfied with her life assignment. Not having learned how to lay down the terrible burden of always wanting life to be on her terms, she continues to struggle with the torture of her desires. The restlessness caused by her desire for what she does not have makes waiting seem an impossible task. In fact, to the discontented woman, the word wait probably compares to a cuss word in her mind. A Lady in Waiting finds her capacity to wait for God’s best to be rooted in contentment.

A Lady in Waiting finds her capacity to wait for God’s best to be rooted in contentment.
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If you would like more information on this topic you can read a free preview of my new book The New Lady in Waiting here: Free Preview or get it here Buy The New Lady in Waiting.

Have a question or comment? Let me know on Twitter or Facebook.

How does physical intimacy ruin a good relationship?

When I first became a Christian, and had newly left behind a sex-saturated dating mentality, I started dating this wonderful Christian guy. His commitment to moral purity touched my heart profoundly. After dating for a year, this young man’s moral purity was challenged by a young woman—me!

I had assumed the inevitability of moving toward the sexual brink, especially since we were talking about a future life together. I only understood a dating world where sexual sin was actually one of the requirements. When this godly young man broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. After recovering from the shock, the Lord very kindly brought to my mind a night when this young man and I went too far. We went to the No Zone for a moment—but the moment ended our relationship!

Spiritual passion makes it difficult to see that God also set physical limits to protect you...
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Hebrews 13:4 (NIV) very clearly says that “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” God judges the sin of immorality. It feels awful to be separated from your Lord by the guilt of sin.

Actions speak louder than words, and this is especially true regarding premarital sex.

It is difficult to share Christ with one who knows your reputation. Your actions can also cause weaker brothers and sisters to stumble. One night of passion can totally destroy a reputation you have built over a lifetime.

It is difficult to share Christ with one who knows your reputation.
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The spiritual side of sex is often overlooked. Even many Christians are not aware of the profoundly spiritual nature of their sex lives. A person will feel acute spiritual pain and separation from God when engaging in sex outside of marriage, but may not even realize how spiritually beneficial and unifying sex is within marriage.

God does not intend to deny you pleasure. He protects you so you might enjoy physical health, emotional stability, relational intimacy, and spiritual blessings. If you marry, He wants you to grow more in love with your husband with each passing year. He wants you to live in complete trust of one another and spend a lifetime in love instead of the consequences of a fleeting night of uncontrolled lust.

If you would like more information on this topic you can read a free preview of my new book The New Lady in Waiting here: Free Preview or get it here Buy The New Lady in Waiting.

Have a question or comment? Let me know on Twitter or Facebook.

Think of it this way.

Mr. Right comes over one day and begins to speak of his devotion to you. He says what you have been waiting to hear: “I love you. I give you my heart completely. For 364 days of every year, I will devote myself to you and you only.” But then he adds, “However, one day each year I want to date others and see what I have missed. Don’t worry; you can have all the rest. Will you marry me?”

What would your response be? Would you want this kind of devotion? Would it be selfish of you to deny him his heart just one day a year to give to others? No! Absolutely not. You would want his total love and devotion.

You would want his heart all 365 days a year.
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Similarly, giving Christ your heart means you are not free to give it away to other things or people that come into your life (in idolatry). You can’t give a part to relationships that delight you in this world and still seek God with a whole heart.

You cannot keep part of your heart for something that may seem better if it comes along. Devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ is giving everything or nothing at all. Your devotion to Christ must be a serious commitment to His Lordship.

You can’t give part of your heart to this world & still seek God with a whole heart.
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Christ loves you and is completely committed to you. Wholeheartedly devote yourself to loving and enjoying Him in return, 365 days a year.

If you would like more information on this topic you can read a free preview of my new book The New Lady in Waiting here: Free Preview or get it here Buy The New Lady in Waiting.

Have a question or comment? Let me know on Twitter or Facebook.

Why do women tend to “go after the guys”?

“Insecurity among women is epidemic, but it is not incurable. Don’t expect it to go away quietly, however. We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us,” says Beth Moore, and I agree.

The father of lies (see John 8:44) screams lies at our hearts daily. We can only scream back if our hearts are wallpapered with the truth (see John 8:32). We, as well as our girls, need to learn how to scream at the liar! It may seem a contradiction of a Lady in Waiting to be screaming, but there are times when we need to.

Truth #1— Do Not Label Yourself Negatively

Self-condemnation leaves no room for loving others.
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If you’re hard on yourself, you’re hard on others.

…Love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39).

Truth #2—Behave Assertively, With God-Confidence

God-confidence is the opposite of arrogance and pride.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love
and of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV).

Truth #3—When You Fail, Confess and Refuse to Condemn Yourself

If you fail, it only means you still have a pulse.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins…(1 John 1:9 NIV).

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1 NIV).

Truth #4—Do Not Compare Yourself with Others

Comparisons are demoralizing.

You are unique, one of a kind; therefore you are incomparable.

…When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise (2 Corinthians 10:12 NIV).

Truth #5—Concentrate on God’s Grace

A definition of grace: for one to bow down in order to benefit another/others greatly.

Grace is strength allotted to me to behave myself.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1 NIV).

Truth #6—Associate with Positive People

As we associate, we become.

Your closest friend is a mirror of the future you!
He who walks with the wise grows wise… (Proverbs 13:20 NIV).

Truth #7—Learn How to Rejoice in All Things

The key facet of emotional health is the ability to be thankful and grateful.
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Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV).

Truth #8—Have Realistic Expectations of Yourself and Others

Remember, on your best day…you are still “but dust” (see Ps. 103:13-14).

The source of so much grief: unrealistic expectations (see Ps. 39:7).

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment… (Romans 12:3 NIV).

Truth #9—Growth and Change Are a Process and Are Never Instantaneous

God is the Agent of Change (see John 17:17).

The start is the promise of the finish (see Phil. 1:6; 1 Thess. 5:24).
In God’s corrections, He never stops believing in us!

For whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights (Proverbs 3:12).

Truth #10—Do What Is Right and Pleasing to Jesus

Pleasing Jesus is not the same as pleasing people (see Matt. 6:1).

How do you discern the difference between people pleasing and “Papa pleasing?” (See Hebrews 4:12-13.)

If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10 NIV).

Truth #11—Be Positive

Consider fasting from critical remarks.

See how long you can go without saying something negative.

Pray for a mouth filter:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things (Philippians 4:8 NIV).

Turn to your heavenly Father now. Pour out to Him your heart’s longing to be loved. See His arms open wide and His empty lap ready to embrace and hold you near. He considers you dear. He longs to give you satisfying love. Perhaps He does desire to give you a man to love also.

But the man you marry cannot meet your need for security. Only God’s love brings security.
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If you would like more information on this topic you can read a free preview of my new book The New Lady in Waiting here: Free Preview or get it here Buy The New Lady in Waiting.

Have a question or comment? Let me know on Twitter or Facebook.

Each one of us have unresolved thoughts, feelings, and impulses that seem to come right out of the blue at all the wrong times. But through healing prayer, we are learning about letting God take these unresolved issues—these things that are hidden in the depths of our hearts and are springing up, causing ungodly thoughts, emotional outbursts of different types, and impulsive and destructive behaviors—and healing them. They are toxic expressions lying just under the surface of our hearts.

So even though we may be enjoying a peaceful union and communion with God in our lives, none of us have arrived yet, and we all have areas in our heart that conflict with enjoying the progressive intimate relationship we have with Christ. As we experience emotional healing, walking in the Spirit becomes less and less hindered by these intruders. We must learn to intentionally welcome God’s presence so we move beyond just enjoying His presence in a place of a peace to diligently pursuing Him for deep healing.

We long for Him to search out the hidden things deep within us.

The most effective way to diligently pursue God is not by telling Him we only want to enjoy intimacy with Him, but also by letting Him know we want Him to search our hearts. We long for Him to search out the hidden things deep with us, the affected areas, the emotional abuse, that is buried alive under the surface of our hearts. And when He reveals what needs healing, then we’re going to deal with whatever He exposes according to His process.

That’s the diligent pursuit I’m talking about, because we all want these issues resolved in our life. These toxic expressions periodically paralyze us, periodically cost us in relationships and in many of the endeavors of our life. The Lord taught me how to instantly deal with issues such as these and get my peace back. Therefore, we need to passionately pursue this season of emotional healing, this area of intentional sanctification.

Search me, O God.

The psalmist prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Ps. 139:23-24). It’s not just about thinking this in our minds, but it’s about allowing God to search our hearts through prayer. He is able to go right to the core of some of these barriers, the heart of the things that have hindered us, the issues that rise up and resurrect themselves, causing us trouble, and He is able to bring deep healing.

We’re deliberately asking God to deal with these issues before they come up without notice. We are asking Him in advance to reveal the hidden areas of our hearts, allowing us to dismantle and abolish their effect in our lives. He longs for us to be free from the influence of these negative thoughts, impulses, and emotions. And we want to be those who respond rather than react—that’s the goal of maturing in the things of God.

If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, you can read a free preview of our book Deep Relief Now! here: Free Preview or get the book on Amazon here: Buy on Amazon

Have a Comment or Question? Let us know on Facebook or Twitter.

Are you a control freak?

Everything was in place for me to end up a “none of the above,”—part of the ever-growing segment of the American population that identifies and even prides itself in having no faith at all.  “None’s” now account for at least 20% of the American population, and are the fastest growing segment of our “religious” population.

Raised as a United Methodist, I had a deep love for… our building and traditions, and a shallow, “warm and fuzzy” understanding God.  I was religious, but had no relationship; I was comfortable but had no peace.  Yes, I was well on my way to being just another lost soul who feels “enlightened” by claiming there is no Light.  I existed in a darkness of self-absorbed drinking, drugging, and flesh-feasting.  At 24, however, that all changed.  The Light broke through!  I met Jesus—or rather, He introduced Himself to me—dramatically and experientially!  Thus began the first great awakening work of God in my life—leading me, eight years later—to enter full-time ministry.  But I am getting ahead of myself…

The First Awakening

At a Catholic Healing Mass I was attending as a way to honor a critically sick friend of mine, I suddenly and very unexpectedly had a revelation moment with the Lord, very much akin to what Peter must have experienced when he suddenly knew that Jesus was “the Christ, the Son of the living God” (see Matthew 16).  In my case, I suddenly knew that Jesus is God, Jesus is alive, and Jesus loves me…   While that may not seem profound to you, it was as if the lights (the Light!) came on for me.  In the twinkling of an eye, I suddenly knew—really knew—that Jesus isn’t just almost God or sort of God or a son of God; I knew and know that He is fully and completely and eternally God, the Son!  Rather than a stained-glass historical figure, I suddenly knew Jesus in a living, breathing way.  Suddenly knowing that He loved me…  Well that was the hardest of all to conceive, because I had been hell-bent for eight years by that point on doing everything illegal, immoral, and irreverent I could find.

As the Mass concluded, a healing line formed—and I jumped in it.  Asking God to heal my friend, I felt something like an electrical shock stagger my body.  (Staggering I understood well!)  I stumbled to a pew, knelt on a kneeler, and God washed me of my iniquity and cleansed me of my sin—even as He baptized me with His Holy Spirit.

The next two years felt like a roller coaster as my rebellious flesh tried to return to the vomitfilled life it had become accustomed to while my Spirit-bathed spirit basked in a newfound friendship and glory.  My soul, of course, went back and forth—siding one moment with my flesh, the next with my spirit.  I flew from the highest highs—as I experienced Jesus in new ways—to the lowest lows—as I gave in to my old man.  Talk about being chained to a “body of death!”  I loved my life in Jesus and I hated myself in self-indulgence. Thankfully, the ride ended (at least in its most extreme forms) as I grew in faith and discovered the power of the Word and the necessity of obedience.

Asking God to heal my friend, I felt something like an electric
shock stagger my body.

I also discovered the power of a Godly wife.  Tina became more and more a “Priscilla” as she grew in the Lord—even as He fashioned me to become something of an “Aquila.” Ministering together, we enjoyed success in the business world.  In the early 1990’s, we began to feel a major shift coming.  While we were happy owning a business and doing ministry as part of it, we began to feel that God was calling us to full-time church ministry.  With great confirmations from others in the Body, we embarked on a new adventure—I started to attend seminary, and a year later, we sold our business.  Meanwhile, I was appointed to serve three little United Methodist Churches.  (God has a sense of humor.  While we were dissatisfied with our Methodist upbringings and had both been saved and Spirit-baptized elsewhere, the Lord called us back to the United Methodist Church—to be instruments of renewal within her.)  Tina did much of the pastoring and counseling through prophetic gifting, while I preached and studied away in seminary.  Together, we saw the Lord accomplish great things in those three precious congregations.

The Second Awakening

By 2000, one of the congregations had grown so much that I had been assigned to serve it alone.  We were in the midst of a building renovation program when the Lord began the second great awakening in my life.

This second great work of God started off in a very inauspicious way—with a lie told by me to my church treasurer.  He approached me after a worship service to say that we had to have a meeting to choose and order carpet for the Sanctuary—in no uncertain terms.  I told him that was certainly a great idea—all the while knowing the carpet had already been chosen, ordered,and was on its way.  Though he was a close friend of mine, he intimidated me and all I wanted to do was avoid a confrontation.  So the pastor lied…

I left that day for a pastor’s conference (I think the theme was: “Thou shall not lie…!”) feeling sick to my stomach for what I had done.  I really thought I was off the spiritual “roller coaster” by that point in life.  I was a very successful (by United Methodist standards, anyhow) Spirit-filled, tongue-talking, church-growing young pastor married to a prophetess/gifted counselor and God had long-before tamed my drugging, drinking ways.  I was a great guy…and a manipulative liar who would say whatever people wanted to hear and shape conversations as much as needed so that people would like me—and not argue with me or get confrontational.  I just didn’t want to fight.  What could be wrong with that? Didn’t God bless the peacemakers?  Well, perhaps not the lying ones…!

My second great awakening began as the Lord downloaded that I was a manipulator, my treasurer an intimidator, and another key leader, a dominator.  In fact, all humans, by fallen nature, operate as one of these three.  In the “download” I understood that control often looks like a game—like Rock/Paper/Scissors—as people try to get their way at another’s expense.  Everyone plays, yet no one wins; God not honored, for God does not control—He Reigns!

The false, controlling trinity of domination/manipulation/intimidation pictured satan’s character, and I was a willing participant in his sick game of control.  Repentance filled my heart, tears filled my eyes, and God’s grace filled my car with that sweet sense of forgiveness—combined with the call and directive of the Lord to submit to transformation, healing, restoration, and finally, a willingness to share with the Church the great need for this second awakening—healing from being a controlite!

Here is the problem.  Millions of church members—and pastors—continue to operate in the realm of control.  Dominating pastors build great churches, while their members simultaneously exalt them—and feel crushed by them.  Intimidating pastors frighten members into compliance, calling it obedience.  Manipulating pastors are loved and adored, but can never be completely trusted.  All the while, church members play the same game.  Someone ought to write a book…!

How can a person tell if they are a control freak?  How can one know if they operate as a dominator… or as a manipulator… or as an intimidator?  Simply check for a pulse…!  By fallen nature, all humans are controllers.  Repentance begins with recognition.  By God’s grace, however, we can be awakened to a new reality, a transformed character and nature!

I am simply testifying to the fact that God began that day in 2000 a work of grace so profound that my very character and nature changed.  While I am still (obviously!) a work in progress, I can honestly share—and those who know me well will verify—that I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.  I neither resort to manipulating as I once did, nor do I shudder at the thought of conflict—although I certainly don’t go looking for it!  I am not drawn into the “game” of controlling when other’s play, nor do I feel a need start there anymore.  This freedom is profound and it is deep!

As God continues to transform me from “glory to glory” (see 2 Corinthians 3) I occasionally glimpse His character at work inside me more clearly than I see my old fallen nature…  At those moments, I can almost see His face in the mirror…!  Of course, I also see the face of a man who badly needs a third great awakening!  As an old-time Methodist, I simply say, “yes, Lord!”  I really do want to go on to perfection—to a level of maturity where others see only Jesus in me!

EDITOR’S NOTE:

You can get Craig Green’s book, Conquering the Game of Control at bookstores everywhere!

Amazon • ChristianBook.com • Barnes and Noble • Lifeway

Parable Stores • iTunes

My Root

Last week we looked at the first part of becoming whole versus healing in Part 1 of this series. If you haven’t read it yet, you can here: Learning to Become Whole Again – Part 1

This week, we’re looking at my own root and how I learned and am learning to overcome my own conditioned responses.

My Birthday

My mom was hospitalized when I was six years old. She slipped into a coma and remained in a vegetative state until 1987, when she died at age forty-seven. My Aunt Eunice and Uncle Wilbur took care of me and my brother Scott following my mom’s hospitalization. On June 10, 1973, I turned seven and my Aunt Eunice had baked my very first cake.

There was to be no fanfare, no friends over or the like, but a wonderful celebration of me. It was a first. She hummed through the house as she prepared lunch and set the bright beautiful packages on the dining room table.

This experience was indeed a contrast from the forgotten birthdays with my own natural mother.

I don’t know if it was the oppression of her mental illness, personal poverty, or simply a disdain for unnecessary functions such as parties but such childhood festivities were not an early memory.

But this day, I was remembered. In fact, my aunt went through the trouble to discover that my birthday was not the day my mom had listed in school records and the like, but in fact was eleven days earlier. My aunt was the kind of woman who had cookies and milk waiting for you when you came home from school. She oozed “momminess” and was unapologetic in her actions.

The day was set and all was well…wonderful in fact. It was just about lunchtime when my Uncle Wilbur returned home and had a guest with him. Who was it? Was it the person he was yelling at on the telephone earlier? Yes, actually it was. It was my father. He looked a little battered with help from my Uncle Wilbur. Seems he wasn’t too interested in showing up for my birthday lunch so my Uncle thought he would provide some encouragement.

He awkwardly attempted to offer well wishes and made some excuse for forgetting my birthday. “Who cares?” I thought. He never remembered my birthday. His tousled hair and bruised face only reminded me how forgettable I was. More importantly, he demonstrated that it would take a brawl to bring about a forced birthday blessing which obviously was insincere.

Still Forgotten

On June 10, 1975, I was in fourth grade at Woodland Street Elementary School. I was living with my second foster parent who was a single twenty-five-year-old woman. My foster mom was not the kind of woman who allowed neighborhood or school friends to come to her home.

In fact, I lived with her for six years and never had a friend over to visit. She did the best she knew considering she had no children. She was not one to forget purchasing a gift but was not the kind to fool with the silliness of cakes, balloons, and the like. Knowing this, you can imagine my joy during fourth grade.

My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Adamitis, was tall with mousy brown hair and a long nose with a bump in the middle. She wasn’t a particularly striking woman and she didn’t have a memorable personality. But she did have a wonderful array of activities she used to engage and celebrate the children in her class. My favorite: birthday celebrations.

In Mrs. Adamitis’s class, birthdays meant something.

You see, on the student’s birthday, she’d have a child request the company of the birthday child to the water fountain. When they left, we’d turn out the lights, and Mrs. Adamitis would take out a Drakes Cake cupcake with one candle, and a specially purchased story from the “Golden Book” collection. Obviously these two items may have cost little more than a dollar at the time. But the celebration was about your peers treating you special all day, singing happy birthday to you, and knowing your teacher chose a book that you personally would love.

Well, Friday, June 10, 1975, was my birthday. I watched this birthday process all year long. Student after student relish in this time of honor and celebration. Today was the last day of school. It would be all about me. I looked in the mirror a few extra minutes: checked my two pigtails, made sure I had Vaseline on my lips and knees, and wiped my dress shoes. I wanted to look as dreamy as I felt.

I couldn’t stop beaming when I got to school. I couldn’t imagine who she would use to lure me from the classroom. As the hours dragged on, my anticipation escalated. School dismissed at 3:00 and it was 1:30 and no water fountain break, no cupcake, no book. Could it be? Could she have forgotten my birthday?

I confided in my friend Elani Karkaseni. I shared my hurt and disappointment. She offered some leftover snack in her lunchbox. I said no, I wasn’t hungry. I wanted my celebration, my book, and my song. We lined up for a farewell program in the auditorium. After we found our seats, I saw Elani telling Mrs. Adamitis that she forgot my birthday. She looked over at me a bit distraught and I simply turned away. She then coasted to the music director and whispered something in her ear.

After the final announcements and pronouncement of summer vacation, the music teacher spoke gleefully into the microphone, “There’s a special girl who we need to remember with a very special song. Join me as we sing Happy Birthday to Evelyn.” And there you go, the song was sung. Yet, it did not change the fact that I indeed was forgotten.

Not a Priority

If I had not underscored this experience in my life, it would be very easy to allow myself to become someone’s afterthought. A forgotten item on someone’s checklist. I did what I always did which was pretend that I didn’t care. Lie and tell my friends that I had some over-the-top birthday party with every imaginable gift a kid could want. The truth was, I figured out that I really wasn’t important. Not a priority and not worth the trouble of a cupcake and a book.

You see, for me, it wasn’t about the value of my teacher’s gifts. Frankly I’m sure my foster mom would have given me something that valued at least the stipend the Department of Social Services gave for a child’s birthday ($15.00). It was the value of celebration. The joy of hearing my peers rejoice in me. The thunderous laughter, the “make a wish” shouts. The value of someone remembering not because they were given a stipend or felt a sense of obligation but simply because the object of their remembrance was also the object of their affection.

On His Mind

I remember the first time I read Psalms 8:4 with disbelief:

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? And the son of man, that thou visitest him?

It penetrated my heart like a fine scalpel. That the creator of the universe was mindful of me. I, Evelyn, was on His mind. He had the world to manage, yet He still pondered me.

Sometimes when we hear the truth concerning the Creator’s affinity toward us, we expect an immediate transformation. Not so. Even now, I am quite nonchalant concerning my own birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, and the like. I never projected my weak expectations onto others, however, I can be cynical concerning the relevance of such days. This response is merely an effort to cover up the truth; being forgotten hurts.

Moreover, my true growth had to come as others reached out to me. There have been many over the years who have displayed their love and generosity toward me through gifts, honorary events, or most difficult for me, written notes. As these sentiments were extended, I had great difficulty receiving them. I had become a very generous giver, which was critical for my wholeness, but still wasn’t able to receive the love and affirmation I needed because I had told myself that I didn’t care about people, what they thought of me, or if they thought of me at all. This was a source of pain for me and hence, an important experience to learn from. I would not grow from mere reflection but acknowledgment. My acknowledgment would begin as a result of writing. Thus the process begins.

How About You?

What is your process for getting over the hurts of the past? How are you managing to overcome the conditioned responses of your own life? Let me know in the comments below or send me note at my website at www.EvelynWatkins.com

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you want to learn more about breaking free from your past and becoming whole you can pre-order Evelyn Watkins book, The Calloused Soul at: Amazon • Barnes and Noble • Books-A-Million • ChristianBook.com and other fine bookstores!

Last week, I gave you an introduction on Running to the Wrong Cave, if you missed it you can check it out here: Stop Running to the Wrong Cave – Part 1. This week we are looking at the first of what I call the Three D’s.

The First D: The State of Distress

The English dictionary defines distress as “a feeling of great pain, anxiety, or sorrow. Acute physical or mental suffering. Affliction. Trouble.” However, many Bible commentators agree that the Hebrew term used in 1 Samuel 22 carries an even more acute sense of dire straits, particularly as a result of poverty. This sense of distress would have wide-ranging effects, such as the selling of family members into slavery, the taking of goods and property, and in some extreme cases the taking of a life.

The narrative describes the first portion of David’s renegade horde as those who were in distress. Author Cliff Graham describes them as

“disgruntled outcasts, emerging from an era in Hebrew history where the worship of Yahweh was almost non-existent.”

Graham gives us a bit of insight about why these men might have been expe- riencing extreme distress. They might have been disgruntled warriors who sensed something in David that they respected, believed in, and wanted to follow.

Perhaps they were disgruntled at the fact that the state of their nation was in doubt and God didn’t seem to be with them. The mili- tary was likely in some sort of disarray as David, one of the most popular commanders ever, had left under a dark cloud.

Saul and David

Many of these men saw Saul as a coward; he had hidden from Goliath. The Spirit of the Lord had left Saul. He possessed no anointing from God, and he wasn’t able to lead them bravely in his flesh. Saul’s confidence and passion were gone, and his only weapons were fear and intimidation. If a man was disloyal to Saul, he faced certain death. This madman had tried to kill his most trusted bodyguard, David, at least three times; he even tried to take out his own loyal son, Jonathan, once. He certainly wouldn’t hesitate to skewer someone else.

Saul was most certainly a demon-possessed coward—a spiritually depraved man. This depraved state made him someone to be feared and fled from. Of course this situation was distressing to these men.

I’m sure many warriors in Saul’s kingdom wanted to follow a passionate leader and a giant killer—not someone who had skulked away from a giant. David had shown passion and fearlessness and possessed a magnetism that was otherworldly.

Saul was no real leader at all, but David was. Without a doubt, David was God’s man in their eyes.

But now he was gone, and he had left under a cloud of suspicion. Panic, anxiety, and the effects of distress set in for some of these warriors as they realized that there was no leader for them to follow. And the one they would follow had either been chased out of town or had fled—they didn’t know for sure.

Just as I experienced in my time of distress, the sweating and nausea would come in waves during the daytime, and their minds would be hounded by visions of impending death at night. This meant little or no sleep.

They needed a leader to show them the way out of this anguish. Their panic assaulted them in their minds so vividly that their bodies felt as if it were real. They needed a real leader, and the man for the job was David. But he had escaped and was now in hiding.

The answer? These men decided to escape and hide with him. He would know how to lead them.

Reed, Sarah, and the Wrong Cave

Reed was a good man. He’d been faithful to his wife, Sarah, and was a committed father to his three sons.

Reed had worked quietly at the same job for twenty-five years, but his company was going bankrupt. He was in jeopardy of losing his retire- ment and everything he’d worked for. He was also becoming distant and short-tempered with Sarah and the boys. During this time, Sarah called me and said,

“Pastor Jeff, Reed is drawing away from me and I feel as if I am losing him. He won’t talk to me. He won’t open up anymore and he’s distant. I even think that there might be someone else.”

When I asked why she thought Reed was interested in another woman, she said that she’d caught him on the computer on a social networking site. He was reading a personal message he’d received from a former girlfriend. The letter was about a project taking place to benefit their old high school, sponsored by alumni who used to be student council members with Reed. The woman said because they had been student council members together, she thought he might want to get involved in the project. The words that alarmed Sarah were: “It could be like old times.”

Whether or not Reed was really thinking of cheating on Sarah, I’m glad she caught him. At the very least, Reed was contemplating going to the wrong cave.

What’s the wrong cave?

The wrong cave is a place where we try to escape everything that is actually happening in our lives.

We just hide. In the wrong cave, there’s no focus on being with God and getting the hole inside us filled by Him. In the wrong cave, we just try to hide and we attempt to fill the hole with something or someone else other than God.

When David escaped to the cave, he wanted to get out of Saul’s target range and hear from his close and personal God about what he should do. However, Reed was contemplating helping his old girl- friend, and he had even responded back to her a couple of times to inquire in more detail about the project. Reed was running to the wrong cave because he was hiding something questionable. This kind of hiding has nothing to do with God. Wrong cave. Wrong motive.

In fact, Reed later admitted to me that when he did interact with this old girlfriend, he felt a slight sense of excitement whenever he clicked the send button on the computer screen. They’d had a great relationship in high school, and by the look of her picture on her profile, she’d aged quite well.

He also felt strangely excited that Sarah didn’t know what he was doing. For that matter, he technically wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was all innocent and platonic, he thought. But Reed was at least approaching the entrance of the wrong cave. He was thinking about hiding in the wrong cave of an old relationship that made him feel young again. But any cave that would lead to spending time alone with a woman other than his wife was definitely the wrong cave.

As Reed and I talked about this situation, I learned that he was distressed about his job being terminated. He also hadn’t been feeling very fulfilled in his life lately. He was feeling old, worn out, and not passionate about much in his life. While he might not have used this language, he had a hole inside of him that he was trying to fill with another person and a fantasy of what once was. The old flame contacting him was an invitation, he thought, to feel some passion again and be pursued.

This cave seemed to offer the allure of the old feelings of youth, and it was a welcome distraction from the reality of what seemed like a dull and monotonous life. However, in reality, this cave offered to Reed the potential of an emotional affair and possibly a full-blown adulterous rendezvous. I thank God that Reed got caught heading toward the wrong cave.

A Bright Future

I’m happy to report that Reed and Sarah had a deep talk, shed a few tears together, and their hearts began to be pointed back toward each other.

Instead of running to the wrong cave, Reed stepped into his masculine roles. In Role 1, he went to God alone, asking for help and affirmation that he could only get from His Creator. He allowed God to fill the hole inside. He then stepped into Role 2 as he exercised his masculine presence and took the website off of his computer and took measures to make sure that it would not happen in his home again. He then stepped into Role 3 and entered into community with his wife by being transparent and vulnerable. He also got recommitted to a group of guys who met weekly for CaveTime, telling them of his temptation toward the other cave, asking them to help him stay away from ever going there again.

These men would be a wall for him, and he would once again be a wall for Sarah and his sons.

Are you running to the wrong cave? Have you ever escaped and tried to hide in the wrong cave? I have. In fact, it was the one that landed me in the ER and the ensuing Holy War that I had imagined at the closing table.

For me, the wrong cave was performance. I was addicted to performing and being competitive in most of the areas of my life, and eventually I lost control. I competed for God’s love and acceptance by doing as many religious things as I could—and doing them well, I might add. I was intent on having the most obedient children (and I am sad to say, my motivation was because their behavior was a reflection on whether I was a good parent or not).

Performance

It was all about me. I was also intent on having a great marriage, and if my wife Lori would just fit in and do what a good pastor’s wife was supposed to, people would think well of me—I mean us. Performance, yet again.

Who knows why I ended up this way! But it was all about me, including me heading to the wrong cave. I performed to feel significant and to fill the hole inside with deeds and accomplishments that pointed to me. I was Super Jeff. Well, Super Jeff was in an ER and needed some counseling. But there God was, whispering to me. In my distress, God was calling me to the cave.

When a man wants to know God—and I really did—God won’t let him go on forever in the wrong way, ending up in the wrong cave. Through the darkness and pain, God will draw us to the cave, so that we might hide together with Him.

And yes, assaults will come again and we’ll make mistakes. We will temporarily take other paths again. But once the temporarily misguided man glances back toward the grace-worn path to the cave, even hinting that he wants to come home, God is there.

God reads much into the pained and longing-for-grace-again glances of men. These are glances that motivate Him, faster than the speed of sound, to bum-rush and bowl us over like a grace-filled tsunami—one that’s like Tigger pouncing on Pooh. Like a faithful canine waiting at the front window for his long-gone master to return—kissing him, pouncing on him, and dancing a dance of hope and joy. That giant- killing dance that fills the hole of distress with the hope-giving life of God within a man.

Next week, we’ll look at the Second D: The State of Debt

In the meantime if you need help because you feel you are running to the wrong cave, reach out to me at www.Cavetime.org

EDITOR’S NOTE: Want to learn more about the Three D’s? You can start reading Jeff Voth’s book Cavetime for FREE right here: Cavetime Free Preview or you can pre-order the new book title at:  Amazon • Barnes and Noble • Books-A-Million • ChristianBook.com and other fine bookstores!

I remember exactly where I was when I felt distressed for the first time. In fact, it occurred during the same season of life when I made my visit to the ER.

My panic came in two waves, which both came as we happened to be in the process of buying a house. The first one hit while we were on our way to the closing. As we traveled, I began to feel a sense of panic that I’d never felt before. This wave of emotion was a panic worse than what hit me when I thought I was having a heart attack.

I was convinced that something tragic was going to happen to me.

I began to think that I wouldn’t be able to make a larger house payment. I was sure I was going to lose my job or my ability to work—and it would be soon. I also thought that I might even die before the first payment.

Yes, the payment was going to be larger, but certainly not large enough to kill anyone! However, when you’re distressed, logical thoughts don’t necessarily occur to you.

As my mind raced, my heart started beating faster and faster. Before long, I literally couldn’t move, so I doubled over. I can’t adequately describe the feeling I had as this panic began to mount. But I saw myself vividly having hardship and sickness, and I knew that death would soon come upon me.

You might laugh and say “Come on—it was only a house closing.” But the stress of the events and process of my life had brought me to this point, and these feelings and emotions were absolutely real. They were also totally new to me, and I didn’t know what to do. I had no doubt that we would not be able to move into our new home and be happy there. I was going to die. Tragedy would strike. It was inevitable.

I felt like a weak little man as I sat there incapacitated. I was inadequate and out of control.

That’s when the second wave hit—like a tsunami. Now I began to fret about the home we were selling. I began to feel that something terrible would happen to the people moving into our old home and they would accuse us of hiding it and sue us. They wouldn’t just sue us; they would take further legal action against us. We’d found out that the buyers were a staunch Muslim family, and I was convinced that they were going to turn this issue into the next Christians versus Muslims Holy War and attack us. I believed that they were going to stalk us and maybe kill us. To make matters worse, they were on their way to the closing table.

I needed to escape and hide somewhere.

As a pastor, I’m often called to counsel men who find themselves in fragile and frightening spots. Although their situations aren’t exactly like mine and the Holy War I was distressed about, their times of distress are every bit as real and intimidating. When this kind of panic comes over you, it can be debilitating and stifling to good judgment and clear thinking.

I find that most of these distressed men are good people. Yet for one reason or another, they find themselves in trouble and believe they have nowhere to go. Many guys stumble at this point. They didn’t have an escape plan and have no idea where to hide and collect their thoughts in a healthy fashion.

When we don’t know where to go, we can easily make the mistake of escaping to a counterfeit sanctuary. We are running to the wrong cave!

David’s Mighty Men?

Someone once said that misery loves company. David had a lot of both! He was attacked relentlessly—pursued and assaulted in every relationship and source of security in his life. He was on the run and looking to hide. However, word got out and 400 men joined him in hiding:

David left Gath and escaped to the cave of Adullam. When his brothers and his father’s household heard about it, they went down to him there. All those who were in distress or in debt or discontented gathered around him, and he became their commander. About four hundred men were with him (1 Samuel 22:1-2).

These men were certainly not a group of model citizens. Nor were they a finely tuned army, at least not yet. Commentator F.B. Meyer describes them as:

Those who were sorely pressed by misery, poverty, and bitterness of soul…their faces were like the faces of lions…they were swift as roes upon the mountains; but their tempers were probably turbulent and fierce, requiring all the grace and statesmanship of which the young ruler was capable to reduce them to discipline and order.

Regardless of who these men were and why they came to the cave, they were also under assault. We don’t know specifically what assaults they faced. But the effects were equally as imminent and potentially just as lethal:

All those who were in distress or in debt or discontented gath- ered around him (1 Samuel 22:2).

Author Eugene Peterson describes these men as:

People whose lives were characterized by debt, distress, and discontent—a congregation of runaways and renegades. It isn’t what I would call the cream of the crop of Israelite society. More like dregs from the barrel. Misfits all, it appears. The people who couldn’t make it in regular society. Rejects. Losers. Dropouts.

Wow, what a group of vagrants these guys were. All 401 of them escaping from a myriad of assaults, each having his own story and coming to the cave for different reasons.

Some probably believed that Yahweh was on David’s side, so an army would amass and dethrone Saul in a mutinous coup. Others might have come as mercenaries. Some wanted women. Others might have been jockeying for a royal position when David became king.

Regardless of their reasons, their stories were different from yours and mine, but in some ways very much the same. The same enemy has been assaulting and attacking men since that fateful day in the Garden. He attacked David through Saul and his death squads. He had specific plans for the 400 others, causing them to run for their lives. Their masculine roles were threatened, and their lives were on the line. Each of them arrived at the cave in some particularly rattled state of being,

I call them the three Ds.

And next week, we’ll take a look at the first D: The State of Distress

EDITOR’S NOTE: Want to learn more about the Three D’s? You can start reading Jeff Voth’s book Cavetime for FREE right here: Cavetime Free Preview or you can pre-order the new book title at:  Amazon • Barnes and Noble • Books-A-Million • ChristianBook.com and other fine bookstores!

The Gift of Family

Our families help to make us what we are just as we help to define and shape our families.  They can create the backdrop of our lives and define what we believe to be normal, and then sometimes, they can create a turning point to help us move in new and better directions.

When the best medical minds we could consult collectively determined and shared the diagnosis that I was going to lose my sight, I remember the feeling of loss and disconnection from all my hopes and dreams.  Then, there was the day that my grandmother came to me and explained that she had made a decision that once her spring flowers had bloomed again and she had a chance to look at them for the last time, she and I would go to one of the specialists at one of the hospitals, and she would have them take out her eyes and give them to me.

My grandmother had no way of knowing that, medically, that was impossible; but even if it had been feasible, it would have not meant as much to me to have her eyes as it meant at that moment to know that I had someone in my life that cared that much about me.

Joye Kanelakos shares a view of her two granddaughters climbing in the redbud trees in her back yard in the following poem.

Looking out my kitchen window

What do you suppose I see?

If I think hard, I can remember

Roses climbing in my red-bud tree.

 

One is a rose in sunshine bloom

With two dew drops of sparkling blue,

Lips pink-tipped like the talisman

That smiles and lets the sunshine through.

 

The other rose is a velvet flame

And glows in smiles as warm as light

That twinkles on in her evening hair

Like dazzling sparklers in the night.

What is Normal?

Our families are the measuring stick by which we judge the rest of the world.  The concept of a “normal” family does not exist.

I have always been committed to making as many of my books as possible available as audio books.  I’m a huge fan of audio books as they have changed my life.  The esteemed actor, Tom Bosley, of Happy Days and Father Dowling fame honored me when he agreed to be the voice on the audio book of my novel The Ultimate Gift.

The year after he recorded that amazing rendition of my book, he was touring the country in the Broadway play On Golden Pond costarring with Michael Learned who generations will know as Olivia Walton, the mother on the classic television series.

When the show came to my hometown, Tom Bosley and Michael Learned came to meet with me in my office, and I also spent some time with them backstage after the performance.  We had many discussions of their lives and careers, but then I laughingly told them, “You two have probably done more to confuse generations of people who are in search of the elusive normal family.”

They both agreed with me and admitted neither of their own families looked anything like the Cunninghams or the Waltons.  Families are precious and beautiful, but they are never perfect.  They create the routine and heartbeat of our lives.

What about you?

What “imperfections” make your family precious and beautiful? Let me know in the comments below.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Want to learn more about Discovery Family? Start reading a preview of Jim Stovall’s inspirational new book, Discovering Joye here: Discovering Joye Free Preview